Today Matthew...... I'm a food processor

It’s Monday afternoon and I’m on leave this week so I'm slumped on the settee. Despite stuffing my face with a very healthy lunch, I’m still starving hungry. I think I need good old pie ‘n’ chips.
Yesterday was my first ever cycling event, and I really enjoyed it. 104 miles in 5 hours 43 minutes. I don’t know how many calories I burned, but I think I’ve earned my hunger pangs.

The ride started near Winchester and then took us through some spectacular Hampshire countryside. Having said that, most of it passed in a blur. The worst climb was Watership Down but I didn’t see any bunny rabbits nor hear Art Garfunkel. We were blessed with perfect conditions, sun all day long and little wind, which surely contributed to my enjoyment and a good time. The organisers described the event as a ‘sportive challenge’ and stressed that it wasn’t a race. I can promise you, everybody around me was racing their guts off. In order to make it a decent challenge, there were plenty of climbs, particularly in the last 15 miles when everyone was getting knackered. I finished quite well, within the gold medal standard for my age group.

I arrived nice and early, and then enjoyed the spectacle in the car park. All the other competitors seemed quietly confident as they prepared themselves. There was plenty of banter and ribald comments as friends and club mates teased each other about the day ahead. There were a few ladies, and a couple of them looked very fit and super-cool. I guess some are triathletes?
The bikes on show were spectacular. There is no doubt that this is a sport for the well-to-do middle aged, who eschew more gentle pastimes such as golf or sailing and need the buzz of an energetic aerobic workout. Everyone looked highly professional, and I felt a little nervous that I was out of my depth and unprepared for what lay ahead. The pungent whiff of embrocation tarnished the air, and I had to suppress a smile when some of the guys started doing good old fashioned limbering –up exercises. Then the bloke next to me started stretching… he could get his foot up on the saddle with his knee straight! Impressive. I can just about get my leg on the pedal. There was an underlying current of competitiveness… more about that later.

I was very uncertain about how much clothing to wear. I’m sure I feel the cold more than most, so I had my arm-warmers and a sleeveless gilet over a base layer and my short-sleeved jersey. Too much? Maybe… but remember what your mum used to tell you, ‘You can always take it off, but you can’t put it on’
I had drunk extra water right up to the start, and had taken on about 500 ml of SIS PSP22 energy drink with 20 minutes to go with a banana. On the bike I carried two 800 ml bottles with more PSP22, and every available pocket was stuffed with flapjacks, energy bars or gels. I bet the bloke who owns SIS is a millionaire.

They set us off at 5 minute intervals in bunches of about 30 and I made sure I was in the second group. The first 10 miles flew past, and then everything started to settle down. We seemed to be really motoring in a big group, but I felt comfortable. You have to really concentrate on the arse/tyre of the guy in front (or gal if you're lucky) and keep your wits about you. At 20 mph, if anyone touches a wheel, veers off line or brakes suddenly, then there will be a multi-bike pile up and it could be very nasty. But there is a tremendous feeling of combined speed, with a purring sound of meshing gears and rubber-on-tarmac. In the 'peloton' you feel like part of a vast articulated machine rushing headlong along some pre-destined route. During the whole day, I had no idea where I was going, where I was, or where I had come from. I just followed the guy in front or the black-on-yellow direction signs. Brilliant fun.
Some early observations.
1. It was great to hear the cussing as people made plenty of horrendous clunky gear-changes. Despite lots of expensive kit, loads of people don’t seem to have made the fine adjustments to their derailleurs in order to eliminate the clicking and clacking from the slightly mal-aligned cog wheels.
2. There is a huge variety in the size and shape of peoples’ calf muscles. I wonder what mine look like from behind?
3. Cyclists do not have body odour (compared with runners/joggers who usually stink).
4. There was tons of sophisticated electronica on peoples’ bikes. Presumably these are cadence monitors, GPS sensors, HRM’s and power meters. Paradoxically, it became apparent later on that some people didn’t have any sort of timer or milometer of any sort.
5. Lots of shaven legs
6. Lots of funny short socks with logos on the back for me to look at.

Back to my ‘race’. I had spotted this huge bloke in the car park, with a gorgeous bike and all the fancy paraphernalia, who looked like a previous Tour winner. He was ahead of me, so I sprinted up to him and tagged onto his wheel and let him set my pace for the next 15 miles. My thinking was simple… No disrespect intended, but.... 'a big-arse bloke means a BIG hole in the air for me to tuck into’. I think it worked. Remember, I’m the novice here, and need all the help I can get. Around 25 miles, the bunch was slowly dropping people off the back, and I realised that I was much faster than big-bottom up the hills.He was dropped, but to him I owe a vote of thanks. By now we were catching up with lots of the slower riders from the first starters, and leaving them behind mercilessly. At this point I was realising that this was a race in every sense of the word, and no quarter was given to anyone.There were lots of mini-breaks, and people trying to sprint up hills to no avail. Every time the bunch of us would chase them down on the fast sections and swallow them up. Slowly my group was thinning out, so that by the first drinks station at 35 miles, we were about 15 strong.

Then I was in for a shock. I stopped to refill my bottles with High 5 and to my amazement all but two or three carried on without stopping. Sh1t. I then had to work really hard to find 3 other guys of suitable pace and we formed a mini-group and cracked on at top speed. I must admit that I did no leading, but hid behind someone from the Discovery team nearly all the time. I offered him an apology for my parasitic behaviour. We were now going faster than at any time before and I was working hard and really wishing that I hadn’t stopped. Around 40-ish we finally caught up with my original group and I was able to settle down at a slightly slower pace.

The ride then settled into a sort of rhythm for the next 30 miles. I learned a lot about riding in a ‘peloton’. First off, don’t ride at the very back. If you do, you can’t avoid this horrible elastic-band effect which makes it harder to keep in touch. Any slight change in pace at the front, either faster or slower gets magnified along the line. If they speed up you want to be within 8 feet of the wheel in front so that you can draft effectively. It’s a doddle, coasting, or just giving it a few gentle pushes. If not, at 25 mph you’ve got to pedal like a nutter making your own hole in the air. The cornering is exhilarating at 35 mph, avoiding gravel, potholes and drains. Good wheels and tyres are essential. I’m glad it wasn’t wet.
It also paid off to find someone with a smooth style. Some riders (and I’m probably one of them) are harder to follow because they ride a bit erratically, either in terms of weaving from side to side or speeding up and down. Now that's not condusive to energy conservation and that was the name of the game for me. Conserve energy was my mantra. Save it for later.

I really enjoyed the group riding, and the collective speed. Why worry so much about keeping with the group I hear you ask? Well, it was so much easier. The decrease in wind resistance, the pacing, the teamwork, the sense of having a measure of the required effort all helped me enormously. If I was on my own, I would be working almost as hard, and yet be going a lot slower. My worry at this point was whether I was going to be able to maintain this sort of speed to the end.

The miles ticked by and slowly we were dropping people so that towards 80 miles I was with 4 guys. I am indebted to a big strong chap decked out in sky-blue. His Pinnarello was blue, so were his tyres, shorts and shirt. He was strong as an ox and pulled me along all the flat stretches, pushing through the wind. I took my turns at the front , but I couldn’t do it for long, nor as fast as him. The great thing for me was the climbs… I was much quicker up the hills. It must be the bike and the 3 stone less that I am carrying.

The final 20 miles predictably became a bit more of a struggle. I was thirsty, had a headache and crampy tummy pains. My bum ached, my neck and shoulders were stiff, and even my hands were sore from gripping the bars despite wearing gloves. The lower back was stiffer than Dirk Diggler and, like every other rider, it was nice to get the chance to stand on the pedals every now and then and flex the spine forward to gain a few minutes relief. I’m very pleased to find that my back feels fine this morning.

The last few miles were annoyingly hilly, but I had plenty of ooomph to get out of the saddle and power up them instead of the slow grind in bottom gear thang. The organisers had told us it was 103 miles, but my odometer was well past the 104 mark as I sped around the final corners, and I can promise you that an extra mile at this point matters! Finally, around a final turn to enter Sparsholt College, over the speed humps far too fast, and then over the timing strips. Bliss. No cheering, no starlets, no cup of tea. Back to the car for a sit down on a comfy seat!

My official time will posted on the HHH website this week, but according to my data I'm pretty sure that I've qualified for an imaginary gold medal.

Afterwards I drank a 3 or 4 litres of water before I could get an effective diuresis going. Aren't kidneys great things. I felt sick for a couple of hours and my tummy was a little upset. My headache lasted until 9pm when I hit the sack for a delicious well-earned sleep. By the way, my daughter was competing at Bracknell Ice Rink all day, and came second in her event, which is fantastic. I didn't see her all day.

Today... bring on the food. It’s time to eat.

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